When Kiwi Tries…

June 17, 2008

Let this be a reminder to you all that not all buh trials end triumphantly. It’s the small victories that count.

Sufficient? Now go look at the Ramen noodles again.

Ambivalent Blogger Fails to Raise Awareness of Endangered Species…Self Medicates with Japanese Convenience Food

June 13, 2008

Today, I originally posted about the illusive endangered Saiga Antelope only to decide that in spite of my initial reaction, he turned out to be decidely, not buh. For the sake of consistency, I had to take it down. Then I got depressed (we can’t be right all the time) and if you’re with me on this, you probably are too. But we can’t be too hard on ourselves. So here’s a montage of ramen noodles, and a corresponding Japanese flash game to take your mind off it. Have a nice day.


P.S. And if you can find it in your heart anyway, donate some money to someone to help that poor, Mongolian, bastard animal live. Thank you.

Cat Self Esteem Inextricably Linked to Eye Alignment

June 12, 2008

I initially began writing this post on my consideration of persian cats looking wall eyed and autistic, but as I tried to muster the little wit I have left in the twilight hours to give props to how pitiful this little guy is, i remembered my hero.

Not this freakin’ guy. F that guy with his tube steak qualities and his perpetually vacant yet concerned expression. Just, the worst. Asperger’s syndrome for sure.

No, THIS is MY hero:

Sure, he’s a little rough around the edges, he looks uncannily like Winston Churchill, and the ongoing debate about whether he’s had a little work done (via photoshop) will probably never be put to rest. Yet he’s cool, and confident. You take one look at ‘im and you know that when he lays down for the night, he goes right to sleep. He also looks as though his fur is cool to the touch, like high thread count linen sheets. I don’t even want to squeeze him though. Looking at him is more than sufficient. Well played, Cotton-Cue Pretensio, well played.

Salmon Intro

June 10, 2008

I thought it would be appropriate to start profiling some of the key players so that you might become better oriented with the business.

Name: Salmon Hole

Cuban name: Salmón Holé

Age: 17 years old

Favorite food: gelato

Characteristic Markings: smells a little like old socks and hair grease. When placed on his stomach and viewed from behind it appears as though he has a vagina. However, this fact is in NO way related to the vaginal connotations of the name “Salmon Hole”. Likes to be stroked on his limbs and mascerated on the snout. Very threatening to my male colleagues, as it is obvious that he has the know how and the wherewithal to run things someday. Though he has undoubtedly let himself go, It looks as though he’ll be promoted soon.

Above: Candid shot of salmon binge eating under the influence, while being egged on by an anonymous, casually dressed leprechaun.

Word of the Day

June 10, 2008

Shamblin’ – Crab walkin’ with a load of laundry. raar.

Check out the chest meats on Badu Jackson

June 10, 2008

Lately I’ve been watching Erykah Badu videos on YouTube, and I get so disappointed in how slender and decidedly cool she is. Not only did Erykah Abi Wright voluntary CHANGE her last name to Badu, but she totally let it go to waste. In keeping with the newly established tradition of matching buh Africanized names with more shumbly political figures, here’s a picture of the new and improved Erykah Badu:

Yes. That is a picture of Jesse Jackson super imposed on a pug’s body. I do what I want.

Glossary 1

June 7, 2008

Before we go any further, I figure it might be helpful to create a kind of glossary, or at least a list with which some of you might familiarize yourselves. This list is by no means exhaustive, accurate, set in stone, comprehensive, or serious business and is subject to change with or without notice pending the creation of a new buh term, and or the revision of an old one. The essentials are in bold. schomly fuh sho.

Pummy – the original, all encompassing term to describe whatever manifested at birth and sustained until now. Rarely used.

Buhness – An adjective that describes a characteristic that something under the distinction of pummy might hold.

Shumbly – (variations shumly, chumly schomly, chomly, shombo, shumbo) – like buhness, but less frequently used.

Original vs. Big – two people of similar racial/ethnic backgrounds that hold a strange parallel significance in one’s life. Usually asian.

Raar – A cooing, kind of gutteral noise used to express extreme pleasure or distaste (the good kind, see mad nasty).

Grimmy – A big bear with a soft nose who was there from the beginning. He’s all warped now, but he’s still got it.

McGarnicle – A term of endearment. If this term immediately brings Harry Potter to mind, go fuck yourself.

Marilyn Mon Nixon – Me when I’m particularly busty, like an angry cartoon hen from the 1940s. In a bathing suit.

Rigametamuluciferakhanstructobismilmotron – Originally “meatmuluciferakhan” combining the words Metamucil, Lucifer, and Farrakhan, the word rigamortis was later added as a prefix, and the end is just chaos.

Mad Nasty – Soething that is so incredibly buh that it’s cringifying to the point of disgust, but not quite.

Maaaanny – A chant my father and I used to sing at the to of our lungs while my vocal chords were still small.

Cuke – The star character of the Vival Two. An elusive cucumber with a face.

Salmon Hole – The current Buh mascot. An overstuffed cow the size of a volleyball with charisma and a few stains. When salmon tries, salmon can…it’s SALMON IN THE WORLD!

Nude Bo – A small dog with firm, posable limbs, and rough, short fur. Purchased at Serendipity’s when my sister graduated elementary school. VERY nude and really ugly.

Ahmbie – The phonetic word to describe someone taking a really big bite of something.

Loaf (Sheep loaf, ram loaf, loafie, lociferus) – One of the key shapes, initially inspired by Sharpeis and Bulldogs. And loaves of warm bread. Sliced.

The Vival – The doctrine of buh. A cardboard bound series of cracked out illustrations and short poem about people dying in somalia. The sequel, “The Vival Two: Where’s Cuke?” leads you on a cuke hunt through a whimsical, choose-your-own-adventure style story. Not really, but he’s in there, somewhere.

Meats (Meaty meaty meat meats, good meats, substantial meats) – Take whatever you can grab, and hang on.

Gams – A type of meats referring to the shins, calves, thighs, hamstrings.

Ham Hocks – A type of meats referring to the thigh area under the rear, the rear itself, and the muffin top love handles. Yeeeaahhh.

‘WUHHHHHHHGHHH!’– the most prevalent vocal acknowledgment of a recognition of inherent buh qualities – tashachan

More to come later…

***do you ever start talking to someone without being aware of yourself and they have a reaction to the vocabulary you use because they’re archaic or ideosynchratic and you get the distinct sensation that you really don’t talk like most other people? and not in a deaf way, either.

Barack. Obama. Barack. Obama bama.

June 6, 2008

After much consideration on whether or not Barack Obama is buh, I concluded the latter. However, the name in itself is exceptionally shumbly. Perhaps, we could attach a more appropriate face to the name:

Political implications aside, I’ve got six words for you: Al Barack Obama Sharpton. Serious style.

ohh HELL no

June 6, 2008

Let’s get right to it. I used to think squirrels were alright. Not anymore. Yesterday, I was stumbling upon and I came across two pictures of a baby squirrel being bottle fed. Not only was it so small that which type of animal it was, was ambiguous, as most baby animals are (is it a squirrel? a fox? a hairless guinea pig?) but the milk was leaking out of its mouth in all directions, like a giant creamy spit bubble that had just popped and there was nothing he could do about it. So. Bad.

Now, I don’t like baby animals at this stage to begin with. Their heads are all the same shape, they’re eyes are all glazed over like a furry senior citizen with cataracts, and their attempts to vocalize come out in a pathetic little squeak that’s not buh AT all. So, after emailing the photos to my sister in order to instill a little character building, I let it go…until this morning.

I was doing the first of several daily checks of http://www.cuteoverload.com/, towards whom I harbor some mild animosity ever since they rejected my lamb-butt-rumpling-tail-wagging video which I definitely thought made the cut. More on that later. So, I was ambivalently reviewing the pictures when I came across a short series of, you guessed it, squirrels. Full grown squirrels. In costumes. And they were just as bad. No, worse. Their little heads had grown in size, but stayed the same indescribable shape, their little stubby arms sticking out of the human sleeves of people clothes. Many people describe squirrels as rats with bushy tails. After looking at their scraggly arms and serious/bordeline angry expressions, as they are awkwardly stuffed into doll clothes and photographed next to short narratives describing their exploitation, I think I finally understand.

This might have been the worst one:

but don’t take my word for it: http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/